Nagata Kabi’s My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness debuted a decade ago. In that time, it’s received a Harvey Award, topped recommendation lists, and even snagged Crunchyroll’s Manga of the Year (2017) award. Most of all, it’s garnered high praise from the LGBTQIA+ community. And in a “perfect” world, that would entice a variety of readers to buy a copy. But we don’t live in a perfect world. Be it for religious or personal reasons, many will admonish a title they see as LGBT-friendly. And in this case, that’s a disservice.
⚠The views expressed in this review are not representative of the views held by Anime Corner. BookWalker provided me with a free copy of the manga in exchange for this review.⚠
My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness Synopsis
My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness is a slightly odd manga. Instead of focusing on unabashedly idealistic ideas and glorified adventures, it’s an uncomfortable tale of introspection.
The story follows Nagata Kabi, a 28-year-old girl with mental health issues and depression. Throughout the story, we see how Nagata-san’s problems compound and escalate to the point that they cause her to drop out of university and, later, to lose her job. Both those things further fuel Nagata’s mental health issues and lead her to an eating disorder, unhygienic practices, and self-harm. And as those issues increase, Nagata further spirals into self-destructive behavior. Yet throughout it all, Nagata-san is aware of what’s happening to her. But like many others in her situation, she’s unable to stop it. She wants validation; she craves affection and love but often self-sabotages. In her mind, until she’s the perfect version of what’s expected of her, she doesn’t deserve happiness. Yet she knows that what she wants most—love and a warm place to belong—won’t come to her if she doesn’t fix her issues.
Luckily, Nagata eventually manages to pursue a career that complements her. And once she starts to walk, she immediately decides to run. Mistakenly believing that she can’t yet receive the companionship and acceptance she craves, she rents an escort. After all, if she can get laid, she can have a normal conversation. However, that’s simple in theory, but way less straightforward than she believes.
A Warm Place to Belong Pt. I
It’s surprising that in the age of social media, life’s so unsociable. Maybe we’ve always been lonely, and we’re only now being open about it. But it consistently feels like modernity is antithetical to our needs. Every place has its story, and every story is shaped by where it takes place, and My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness and Japan are intrinsically intertwined.
When it comes to what’s expected of you, Japan is one of the most rigid countries to live in. You’re expected to have a career and reach societal milestones promptly. And that’s important in My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness. The societal expectations that permeate Japanese culture aggravate Nagata-san’s mental health issues. Unlike the West, where “doing your own thing” is becoming more accepted, in Japan you’re still expected to pursue company careers.
That’s relevant in her struggle as the quirky thing about acceptance is that it’s often tied to adherence. People accept you if you fit their expectations or requirements. Even the most “inclusive” among us will reject a person that’s too far removed from their ideals and expectations. So what happens when you want to be accepted by people who don’t think like you or disagree with non-negotiable aspects of your life?
My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness, never shows us what the root of Nagata’s mental health issues, but we see what fuels it: parental/societal approval. There were many times in the story where Nagata-san tried to gain her parents’ approval. However, because she couldn’t find happiness in her parent’s expectations, that approval never came.
A Warm Place to Belong Pt. II
“It was the discomfort of accepting myself while others didn’t.”
Eventually Nagata-san realizes a painful truth: inner peace usually requires disappointing others. For someone who’s chasing validation and acceptance, that’s a horrifying realization. When you add severe isolation, depression, and self-esteem issues to that mix, it’s enough to halt progress. But as anyone who’s ever crawled out of that hole will tell you, there’s a point where you realize that if you don’t accept yourself, no one else will. My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness eloquently highlights that.
However, it also shows that acceptance requires physical upkeep. It’s preposterous to believe that your looks and how you present yourself don’t matter. Everyone will judge you by how you look/behave the first time they see you. If you’re lucky, you get a chance to disprove any misconceived notions people gather about you. But that first impression is often permanent. Good hygiene, proper BMI (and diet), and clean clothes are essential. Watching Nagata realize she needs to work on her appearance was cathartic.
Sex, Loneliness & a Broken Mind
“In the pursuit of … comfort some people end up hurting themselves … clinging to bad sexual relationships.”
As a character and as an author, Nagata Kabi approached sex in a way that’s both humorous and realistic. While I was reading My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness, I talked about it with a friend who had previously read it. She found it odd that someone as socially inept as Nagata could pay for an escort. My depressed self read this manga and nodded in approval.
Nagata doesn’t mention how much time passes in My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness. Either way, I’d wager there was ample time between the “I’ll lose my virginity to an escort” and the “How do I pay you?” Nagata-san sees her actions as a transaction, and transactional actions make a lot of sense for someone in her situation. For a person that distressed, an actual relationship seems like an impossibility. Paying to experience a relationship is feasible. But that purchase doesn’t include intimacy, gratification, or comfort. Nagata-san learned that the hard way.
Yet, My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness presents Nagata-san’s sexual inexperience as comedic. An otaku who uses yaoi and doujins as a reference will make most readers chuckle. But then, reality set in. This is an autobiographical story. There’s an adult woman who knew so little about sex, she used doujins as a reference, and that’s a level of problematic that’s difficult to grasp. And that’s without getting into how mental health issues complicate sex.
The Problem Isn’t Fiction
“The problem isn’t stuff in fiction, it’s the fact that we’re never given the correct information.”
Sexual literacy is dead. Every day more schools and governments restrict sexual material in the name of public order. Instead of making sex safer, that approach usually has the opposite effect.
Puritans argue that teaching children and young people about sex exposes them to it prematurely. But that exposure will happen regardless. And if they’re not presented with safe sexual material, they’re presented with harmful material.
Let’s take the worrying trend of sexual asphyxiation as an example.
Once erotic asphyxiation was a niche activity. Now it’s so common (and problematic) that some countries like the UK are moving to ban its depiction in adult media. The “logic” behind that ban is that kids, teenagers, and young adults emulate the material. And while that emulation is problematic, bans are public policy snake oil. They’re great on paper but rarely achieve any meaningful results.
My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness is poignant on this issue. When someone doesn’t have the correct information to act on, they’ll use what’s available. And usually, what’s available swings from useless to harmful. If we want a safer society, we need to forgo the “birds and the bees” and start talking about the “hawks and the hornets.”
Viewing My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness Through a Non-LGBTQIA+ Lens
As a somewhat straight, biological dude, some experiences elude me. While I can sympathize with the struggles of my female and gay friends, I can’t empathize with them. Many of their issues are things I’m incapable of understanding. Despite that, or rather, despite it, My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness breaks that barrier. I didn’t see Nagata as a lesbian struggling with mental health issues; I saw person struggling with them, and that’s invaluable. An experience that should be foreign to me suddenly made a lot of sense, and it hurt.
While My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness centers on mental health issues and sexual discovery of a lesbian, its story is one that everyone can learn from. Loneliness and mental health issues don’t care who or what you love. Those things are some of life’s greatest equalizers. If you’d switch this manga’s main character for a heterosexual or gay person, it would still be poignant.
The Art and Production of My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness
A manga thrives on its art, and certain stories demand a certain style or art. A story like My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness would suffer from highly polished art. But Nagata-sensei’s sketches and limited colors work perfectly with the story. The manga’s 4-koma allows readers to overanalyze Nagata-san’s disorienting thoughts. Despite the art’s simplicity and minimalism, the emotion is overwhelming.
I can’t speak Japanese, so I can’t comment on how faithful the manga’s translations are. Yet, I felt that Jocelyne Allen’s translation conveyed Nagata-sensei’s displeasure and hope. The lettering and layout are comparable to the original.
It’s safe to say that My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness will be one of my most recommended titles. And if you made it this far, go and get a copy. It’s available in print and as an EPUB through BookWalker.
BookWalker also has the special edition of My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness.
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© Nagata Kabi • East Press
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